riseupwithfists: art by rick veitch (jaime harts timmy)
the artist formerly known as oneangrykate ([personal profile] riseupwithfists) wrote2010-02-26 05:23 pm

Dear Geoff Johns (first in a series?)

Since you are now the new creative boss of DC Comics, allow me to give a few suggestions on how to solve a particular thorn in your company's side.

Suggestions are in no particular order and are not always compatible with each other:

-Pronounce an immediate moratorium for at least two years on the following: character death, obvious cannon fodder, major member turnover, pointless crossovers. Raven going evil or unevil or whatever. Evil future teams*, evil rival teams, evil twins, evil pets, Wilsons. Cheesecake panels of underaged girls, the threat of rape, the threat of truckstop gang rape, gratuitous female 'catfights', torture porn. "We're a family" speeches, "We need to be a family" speeches, "We used to be a family what happened" speeches. Character death. Gratuitous heteronormativity (hey, it's worth a shot).

-Pronounce an immediate moratorium for at least two years on any villain, concept or nostalgia trip dating back to the Wolfman/Perez run.

-The violence should be no harsher than what a slightly squeamish fourteen year-old can handle, because there are other ways of writing intense, high-stakes stories. I SWEAR.

-Get a new writer. Who has to stick around for at least twenty-five issues.

-Get a new artist. Who has to stick around for at least twenty-five issues.

-Get a writer with a reputation for writing teenagers who act and sound like actual teenagers. Go downtown and sit and watch some for a while if you have to (try not to be creepy about it, though).

-Relatedly, get a writer who can write teenagers, but don't get a writer who is primarily famous for their successful feel-good teenager mash-note series, because that tactic apparently leads to tears due to whatever you have in the water coolers at headquarters or whatever.

-Also, this is not an excuse to insert gratuitous slang or pop culture references that will be dated as soon as the issue hits the stands.

-Make the characters actually likeable. Hard, I know.

-Make the characters actually like to be around each other. The team should be a (slightly cliquey) crew, not a prison sentence. Hard, I know.

-Have the characters actually go out into the world and make something better. Not because they broke it in the first place, not as a defensive move against getting punked yet again, but because teenagers are slightly self-righteous and think they can do anything and sometimes they succeed.

-Bring Mia back.

-Bring Bart back.

-I'm not a Steph fan, but the fun level of the Stephanie Batgirl series is what I'd be going for, so let her join.

-Remember what I said about no Wilsons.

-To reiterate: cheesecake shots of underaged girls is disgusting. Cut that shit out.

-Alternately, give us a two page spread of shirtless Superboy every other issue, cut out the panty shots and we'll call it even.

-Get Bryan Lee O'Malley to write a storyarc.

-Get Cliff Chiang to draw a storyarc.

-Get Greg Rucka to write a Cassie-centric storyarc, accompanied by JH Williams III on art. Siiiiigh.

-Get Heinberg to brainstorm a year's worth of stories and get someone else to actually write them so that the series comes out in a timely manner.

-The backup story is now "Kon and Paco's Excellent Adventures", written by John Rogers and drawn by Cully Hamner.

-When you're in a rut, do not meta for ten issues about how you're in a rut and how haaaaard it is, get out of the fucking rut.

-Required: a scene where UC Berkeley students call out the presence of the Tower as the Panopticon of the supermilitarial-industrial complex**.

-Surely it cannot be that hard to think up worthwhile stories about superpowered teenagers jesus fucking christ

Marvel manages to pull it off some of the time, so I know it can be done. Yeah, I went there.

I'm aware that I'm showing my likes and preferences all over this list***, but I did that thing again where I had a canon question for my story and the subsequent research made me facepalm over how stupid DC is because they could have a Young Avengers and instead they have a Dark Avengers when every damn series they're putting out right now is a Dark Avengers.

*That said, a story where they travel to the future and everyone's ridiculously goody-goody, happy and GASP well-adjusted would be a treat, though probably not exciting enough for most readers.

**I want San Francisco to be a major character, dammit. They throw in a scene at Alcatraz every once in a while to remind us when they should be daytripping all over. Make San Francisco look like San Francisco. It isn't that hard, there are pictures of it on the internet.

***Well, sort of; notice no Tim and no Jason.

Alright, back to Tennyson.

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